FEATURE:
Confessions of a Failed Romantic
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Valentine’s Day Realities for Musicians
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SOME claim to have seen their entire…
life flash by their eyes. I am not sure if it is T.V.-induced fantasy, but there is always the magic rule of three: a flashback from childhood and something formative (a kiss or achievement); ending with something from the present. Barely did Christmas wind down before the card companies book their next Caribbean cruise and crank out the new order of Valentine’s Day orders. All the Valentine’s Day-related gifts are on the shelves: from cheap booze and flowers to chocolates and stuffed bears – the game has hardly changed the past few decades, has it? It might sound like I am down on the day but I object to the way it is seen as special and legitimate. Other events – like Easter – have a purpose and a community imperative. You can get together and celebrate something that, at least, holds some meaning. I started giving a hoot about Valentine’s Day when I was a teenager. I used to participate in the chatter and speculation at school – which girls would fake their own deaths to avoid receiving a card from me; others hiding like I was a sniper – and, yeah, the ‘novelty’ did start to wear off. As one gets older; the day seems reserved for those already in relationships – rather than those hoping to start one! I have seen a lot of statuses, from musicians and creatives, dreading Valentine’s Day.
As many of my female musician friends rush to the supermarket to stock up on batteries – don’t use your imagination on that one! – and the blokes desperately drunk-dial former girlfriends in the hope they are desperate enough to take them back – it is a rather strange time of year that puts undue pressure on singletons. One can throw various adjectives at Valentine’s Day in order to encapsulate its divisive and commercial nature. I shall pack the sour grapes away for another year but one thing occurs: how love songs come back into the fore and are everywhere you look. I have been looking at other sites and what they are doing to ‘celebrate’ the day. Some are polling musicians to select their favourite love song – or the one that makes them feel deeper about the world – and others are concentrating on dating and sex. I wanted to do a bit of both and look at the music world. I have written before about musicians and dating: how it can be hard to find time to date away from the daily demands and find something long-term. One of the most common things I see on social media is artists talking about their relationships – usually how they are single and struggle to find someone special. It can be quite heartbreaking seeing so many longing for love and not able to end that drought.
I will end by talking about love songs that mean a lot to me - I will put up a Valentine’s Day playlist on the day itself. My romantic ‘plight’ has not been smooth or particularly lucrative. From the early years pining for girls outside of my reach; through to the frustrating teen years and now, as I am comfortable in my thirties; yearning for those out of reach is back once more – the results are broadly the same! I think there is something in the fact those with creative bent – musicians, D.J.s and producers etc. – have a harder time settling down and maintaining relationships. I am not sure whether there is a correlation between their mindset and the way they approach relationships. I feel the reasons so many like myself are single is because of the time music takes out of them. The other reason is a certain ‘standard’, I guess. Creative people view life differently; they have ambitions and aims and, I feel, crave a certain ambitiousness and excitement from their other half. There are so many couples (most) who do the boring bare-minimum and hardly shake the world up. That is fine but, when everyone else is settling down and going grey early – why would you follow that and sacrifice a world of possibility, excitement and potential?!
Maybe being single is the way to achieve that: another person might slow it down or be willing to compromise. The industry we work in (music) is one that warrants full dedication and unlimited time. Between sleep, work and coming home – how much time does one have for relationships?! Valentine’s Day holds significance for many; a lot of people go full-guns-blazing and really pull out the stops. There are those more cynical and apathetic who let it drift by and await Easter: I sort of fall in the middle and feel there is a way of making the less commercial – much more positive and inclusive. Maybe a rebrand is a little difficult (and late) but we should think of Wednesday as less a ‘hump day’: more of a…actually, I forgot what I was going to say! My point is; those single and without love should not despair and feel excluded. Musicians and those in the industry tend to come more into the fore. There are a lot of people who do not have the time for relationships or struggle to hold one down. They get stimulus and connection through music but, in the social media age; this is electronic, artificial and intangible. They can rationalise and marginalise a degree of loneliness through music: pen songs that provide others hope; write about their experiences and provide a musical perceptive. We are flooded with the sickly-sweet adverts and the shelves of gifts: I wonder whether there is something more to be got out of a day that promotes love and happiness.
I am not proposing a Disneyland-type experiment but, in a fraught and troubled time; should we use days like this to make everyone feel more included and understood – single musicians and those without the option of love. There is a lot of music out there and, what I have noticed, is how more and more music goes away from relations and their purity. Artists are becoming more introspective and talk about anxieties. We have been told the new Pop wave is going to be a more confessional and deep affair. There are a lot of love-related songs around – the happy and contended to the jilted – but there is greater currency in songs that deal with personal struggle and psychological issues. Avoiding cheesy love songs is a lifelong mission for me: there are few genuinely great new love songs that provide guidance, hope or some sort of direction. I am glad music is getting broader and not taking a commercial route. Maybe we are growing tired of the cliché songs of failed love and those pining from the shadows. The need to be original and distinctive means music is arching away from love and romance – going into other areas of exploration. The adverts are out and, with that, the glossed superlatives: the ‘Greatest Love Songs Ever’ and ‘Essential Love Songs’ collections have been dusted off and repackaged for those who have not heard the same songs a million times over.
If I had to select three songs that counteract the banal and cheesy this time of year; I would go for The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face by Roberta Flack; Hallelujah (Jeff Buckley) and Hey Jude. I know the last is not about a relationship or sex: the others are less overtly relationship-based but The Beatles’ classic is about John Lennon’s son, Julian. The first choice makes me think of childhood and the first time ever I heard the song. It was a revealing and stunning moment where this ethereal, heart-melting vocal came from the speakers. Hallelujah came to me by its author, Leonard Cohen, but the Jeff Buckley version holds more weight. It is about sex and orgasm; a gentle passion and everything you can imagine. Hey Jude is that big, singalong anthem that has been passed through the decades and still causes shivers. I am less a fan of those weepy, over-emotive love songs that see the protagonist climb every mountain, swim every ocean and nunchuck every ninja (the last one is less common!). At a time where most of us find flushing the handle an energy-draining demand: can we really believe those exaggerated and absurd tracks? I’d be reluctant doing a decent parallel park for love: climbing Mount Fuji, frankly, seems like an expensive and pointless brag!
Of-the-minute love songs like Tell Me (Joan as Police Woman) provide a more realistic, relatable sentiment – artists are changing the narrative and, perhaps, becoming more negative and submissive in the process. Maybe I am stepping off the garden path but, for those who cannot find love; music is a way of making sense of it and finding (synthetic) company. I find the Valentine’s Day carnival can be a bit raw for those who are not going to be loved-up and nauseating on 14th February. I am not a grouch and cynic – I have time for a bit of Too Many Broken Hearts in the World! – but think there are better ways to celebrate love and relationships. The fact it is distilled to one day makes invalidates it meaning – if you are going to profess your undying love one day; it makes the remaining 364 a bit shallow! We need to get people together and show those without relationships – too busy to find someone or unable to find compatibility – that they are included and wanted. I talked about those three visions that flash by your eyes as life starts to slip away (always keeping it cheery, me!). The first would be the first crush I ever had. The clumsiness in which I initiated any sort of date is etched in my mind. I shall not mention her name in case she is reading or, you know, dead.
The second memory would be completing university after three tough, hard-working years. The third, I guess, would be the good results of running this blog – and the success I have achieved. I have got closer to people online and made some important connections. I feel I have made changes and a real difference to some people’s lives. That, surely, must mean more than notches on the bedpost or seduced hearts?! Other creative sorts need to realise they have achieved a lot and made a real difference to the world. Maybe they have not tasted, for a while, the thrill of the chase or the completeness of a relationship. That should not be seen as a negative and reason to feel down. Rather than feel jealous at the loved-up couples drooling over one another; speaking in baby-talk and causing the stomach lining to come straight out the backside – remember a sage quote from The Simpsons. When thinking of the smug couples who do not share a thought for anyone; I am reminded of the episode where Bart burned the family’s Christmas presents and hide the evidence. News anchor Kent Brockman put out an appeal and gave a harsh message to the thieves – Bart’s story was someone stole the presents late at night. I will, to those nauseating valentines, borrow his killer line – and paraphrase Thom Yorke in Exit Music (for a Film) – and hope that they choke…
JUST a little bit.